6 Things About the Laundromat

For the first time in a while, I’m living in an apartment without an on-site laundry facility. There are hookups for a washer and dryer in my apartment, but come on. That’s like a restaurant saying “You bring the meat and vegetables, but don’t worry! We have seasoning and cooking utensils!”

Consequently, I am making regular trips to the laundromat. Share in my pain:

6. I’m the only person that reads 

I should clarify–I’m sure the other people I encounter there can read (probably)–but I never see them do it. If I have to spend 30 minutes or more waiting for my laundry, you’re goddamn right I’m bringing a book.

Seriously, I’ve never seen this.

I guess the other people who frequent my laundromat don’t see it like that. In fact, it’s like they’ll do anything else to avoid cracking the spine of a book. Some watch the Spanish-language soap operas and talk shows that are often on the TVs, even though I’m positive some of those people can’t speak Spanish.

Others will play Angry Birds or just sit and stare. Still, others will go outside and chain smoke until their laundry is done. I mean, why use down time to better yourself?

5. Other people’s kids are the worst 

If you’ve ever been to a Wal-Mart, you already know this. While the adults of Laundro Land might be content to drool and stare at the wall, their kids will find their own fun. And make no mistake, it will be at the expense of the your eardrums and your patience.

Yep.

The laundromat I go to isn’t a terribly large place. Imagine my surprise when I saw four kids chasing each other, sprinting the length of the building at full-speed. That would have been enough to annoy me but they were also screaming at the top of their lungs.

Listen, I get that a lot of these people aren’t going to hire a babysitter for an hour while they do laundry. Also, I’m sure to a parent screaming children are just background noise–like the white noise of a fan to me. However, some of us live alone sans demon spawn. I’m not used to that type aural punishment.

Would it be too much for you to tell your kids to knock it off?

My Favorite Music Videos

BuzzFeed has been the foremost Internet beneficiary of ’90s and ’00s nostalgia; they have quite a racket going with all their reminders of pogs and Nickelodeon shows that only seemed great because our brains were still grey mush. Obviously, that excludes Pete and Pete, which was genius and don’t you dare fight me on that.

One of the things I miss the most, though, is music videos. Believe it or not teenagers, there was a time when MTV programming consisted of more than just knocked up high schoolers and Rob Dyrdek.

When the Internet was still in its adolescence, TV was decent place to see your favorite bands. So, in no particular order, here are a handful of my favorite music videos from the last 20 years.

Wax “Southern California”

Wax was a really great band that never got as big as they should have been.

The video is a pretty simple idea executed perfectly by Spike Jonze.

Weezer “Buddy Holly”

Another Spike Jonze classic. Also, fun fact: At the beginning of “Undone (The Sweater Song),” the voices before the first verse are jabs at Wax.

The two bands were contemporaries (hence Jonze directing videos for each) and the members of Wax were certain they were headed for mainstream success.

It didn’t quite happen. Instead, Weezer hit it big, and they felt the need to remind Wax of it. Kind of a dick move.

Foo Fighters “Everlong”

The Colour and the Shape was the first album I ever bought, and I still get goosebumps when I hear this song.

Nostalgia aside, I appreciate that the Foo Fighter have always tried to do something different with their videos. Even without audio, it’s not hard to spot a Foo Fighters video.

I enjoy the surreal dreamscape, and, as a Kids in the Hall fan, I appreciate the band’s willingness to cross dress.

Casting Call: More Video Game Adaptations

A while ago I wrote a post in which I played casting director for yet-to-be-made movie adaptions of video games.

It was a lot of fun so I thought a write another post on some of the games I excluded previously. Hollywood could definitely use my help.

Mass Effect 

Like Bioshock, Mass Effect has an engrossing story, interesting characters and a detailed, atmospheric world.  If done right, it has the potential to become the next great sci-fi series.

Ideally, the first movie would cover the events of Mass Effect 2, which is the best game in the series. Sam Worthington should play Shepard. Movies such as Terminator: Salvation and Avatar have already proven he can do the sci-fi/action thing, and he bears striking resemblance to Shep.

Scarlett Johansson should play Miranda. She had a similar role as government spook in The Avengers and we know she can wear the hell out of a jumpsuit.

Straighten her hair, change her name and you have Miranda.

Too Many Words About That Thing You Do!

“What is your favorite movie?” is a difficult question for me to answer. I watch so many that it’s hard to pick just one–it feels like a disservice to all the other great movies I’ve seen. Recently, this question came up and I provided my standard answer: Pulp Fiction. 

Admittedly, it’s a very safe pick, as it’s critically acclaimed but arty/violent enough that it’s not every person’s cup of tea. I really do love it, though. I love the non-linear story. I love the dialogue. I love the characters. I love the soundtrack. I even love the violence.

Oh man, I shot Marvin in the face.

But I started to think about that question and subsequently found myself in a sort of existential dilemma (if one can have an existential dilemma about pop culture). What if Pulp Fiction isn’t my favorite movie?

I started to think about the movies I could watch any time, the movies I have to finish if they’re on TV, the movies I physically and emotionally respond to. When I narrowed down the list, I confirmed my suspicion: Pulp Fiction is not my favorite movie. After much thought, because I’m the type of sociopath that will put “much thought” into which movie he likes the best, I think my favorite movie is That Thing You Do! 

7 Things About Being Short

If you’ve never met me in person (most of you haven’t), there is one thing that is very apparent upon first meeting me besides my magnificent beard. I am very short–not like movie star short (5’8″) but like real-person short (5’5″).

I’ve been shorter than average almost my whole life, and I’ve learned a few things along the way.

7. People love to pick you up 

I don’t know what it is about being shorter than someone, but tall people love to pick short people up. Especially if alcohol is involved. There’s an extra creep factor for particularly short girls, who I’m sure have been picked up by more sweaty weirdos than they care to remember.

Hulk smash.

However, much like your aunt’s fussy house cat, Mittens, we do not like being picked up. Just because something is physically convenient for you, doesn’t mean you should do it. If I did what was physically convenient for me, I would punch my friend Nick (who is 6’7″) in the crotch every time I saw him.

6. People love to pat you on the head

Usually, this goes hand-in-hand with being picked up. I can’t speak for the rest of the vertically challenged but this actually pisses me off more than being picked up.

Listen, just because I’m shorter than you doesn’t mean I’m a child. Stop patting me on the head like one. It might seem innocuous to you, but it’s pretty condescending.

Undercover

I thought I’d put together a list of some of my favorite cover songs.

The Afghan Whigs- The Clash’s “Lost in the Supermarket”

I couldn’t think of a more perfect Clash song for them to cover.

The Goo Goo Dolls- Prince’s “Never Take the Place of Your Man”

This is when the Goo Goo Dolls ruled.

The Jam- Wilson Pickett’s “In the Midnight Hour”

There are a thousand covers of this song, but this is the best one.

Teenage Fanclub- Bob Dylan’s “Mr. Tambourine Man”

It was more famous as a Byrds song and I can’t think of a better band to cover this song.

My Favorite Albums of 2012

It seems like everyone else is doing this list, so I figured I might as well.

*Also, this a subjective list of my favorite albums and not an objective list of the best albums of 2012.

17 Delta Spirit- Delta Spirit

I’m compelled to put this on the list because I’m such a big Delta Spirit fan, but I’ll be honest it disappointed me slightly. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a very good album. It’s just different.

If you were expecting something similar to Ode to Sunshine or History From Below, like me, you were in for a surprise. The band moved away from the roots rock approach on its previous albums. Delta Spirit is more polished and obviously more produced.

That being said, “California” is a great song, even if it’s no “Golden State.” (See what I did there? Jokes!)

16 Dr. Dog- Be The Void 

I love Dr. Dog because they have a knack for creating catchy, layered songs that keep you humming. Up until Be The Void came out, Shame, Shame, their last album, was my favorite. However, I think Be The Void has replaced it.

Despite being very catchy, sometimes their songs, and therefore their albums, can feel a bit drawn out. But this one didn’t feel like that at all. It felt intimate, and maybe  a little darker, but fun nonetheless.

The baselines and hooks in “That Old Black Hole,” “These Days” and “How Long Must I wait” will grab you immediately.

15 Zeus- Busting Visions 

Pretty much everything I just said about Dr. Dog applies to Zeus as well. They’re like the Canadian Dr. Dog. Actually, they might be catchier.

14 Nada Surf- The Stars Are Indifferent to Astronomy

Wait, the guys that sang “Popular” are still around? I’m sure that’s what you’re saying, and, yes, they are.

Currently, there seems to be a disturbing lack of rock bands doing the power-pop thing. Since Teenage Fanclub stopped making albums, and since this whole scene seemingly died with the 90s, I had to find my fix elsewhere. I had to look no further than Nada Surf.

I dare you not to feel good listening to “Teenage Dreams.”