Can We Get Rid of These Things?

So, I’ve been really busy lately and haven’t found much time to write, well write for this site that is. I’ve been writing plenty of copy for the Mercury. If  you didn’t notice, there was an election, which means, as a journalist, I was swamped. So apologies to the nine people who subscribe.

I have a more substantive post on the way, but, for now,  a list of things I would like to see purged from our culture.

“Retail Therapy”

It’s not “retail therapy.” It’s shopping, as in, “It’s time for some shopping,” as opposed to “It’s time for some retail therapy.” Just because you had a bad day, doesn’t make it okay to use some pseudo-psychological term  to justify wasting money, that you should be saving, on a pair of shoes you’ll wear approximately twice.

Bullshit.

Any Non-Ironic Use of “Bro”

Acceptable uses: mocking bros, mocking bros by making puns they don’t understand such as: Brostradamus, Broseph Stalin, Broseidon: Lord of the Brocean and comments like, “Man I hate bros.”

Non-acceptable uses: Anything else, but especially in relation to “bros icing bros.”

Bros Icing Bros

This might be the stupidest game of all time, and, yes, I’m including soccer. Not to mention, people who are still playing it are about a year behind. That website isn’t even up anymore. Really, it seems to be an excuse for a fraternity brother to buy another fraternity brother a drink without feeling weird about it.

And can we talk about that drink? It sounds like a Smirnoff Ice should taste good, but it doesn’t. It tastes like  someone whipped up a batch of sangria in a public restroom. I’ll be damned if I’m going to drink that bottled Muppet piss.

Oh, the humanity.

“Loves it!”

One letter.

One letter is the difference between sounding like an adult and a 14-year-old cheerleader.

Crocs and Toms Shoes

I really don’t care if they’re comfortable. Crocs look like what the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man wears on his day off, and Toms look like the slippers they give you at the nut house.

You'll have to wear these so you don't hang yourself with your own shoelaces.


People Who Feel the Need to Tell Me McDonald’s is Bad for Me.

I KNOW!

It’s not like it’s the 1950’s when crooked doctors told the public cigarettes  were perfectly healthy because Big Tobacco was paying them under the table. I’ve seen Super Size Me, and I don’t care. You know why? Because McDonald’s is delicious. If every McDonald’s served Egg McMuffins all day and if the McRib was a permanent menu item, I would eat there for every meal of the day, every day.

I’ve also heard of this thing called exercise. I think it’s European.

“Random”

Random is probably the most overused adjective on Facebook. Listen, if you know the names of everyone in your photo album and where the pictures were taken and if the pictures are all from the same general time period or event, the pictures aren’t “random” at all. So don’t name the album “Random.”

And if you describe yourself as random, you’re probably the exact opposite: predictable. You would have to be boring and predictable to describe yourself with such a contrived and overused term. Also, you’d probably be out stealing a cop car or wrestling a wolverine, not failing to describe yourself accurately.

“Hair Did”

As in, “I’m getting my hair did.” I didn’t want to hear about your hair before, but now I really don’t.

Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and Ke$ha

I liked these singers the first time around, when they were all called Madonna.

It frustrates me to no end that people haven’t figured out that Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and Ke$ha are all using Madonna’s schtick: hyper-sexualized persona + weird wardrobe + dance music. Everyone acts like they’re so revolutionary or shocking or scandalous or whatever buzz word you want to use. They’re not. Madonna was doing this stuff 20 years ago and doing it better. They’re just cashing in people’s short memories and shorter attention spans.

It makes me even angrier that these chicks are household names, while there are quality artists such as The Whigs and Good Shoes that aren’t even on people’s radars.

Although, I'm sure she's a very nice person and not the least bit insane.

Internet Shorthand

It had a good run, but I think it’s time to retire various internet shorthand terms, especially since they’re slowly contributing to this generation’s literary delinquency.

People overused and abused terms such as, LOL, ROFL, LMAO, and recently, nom, win, epic and fail to the point where they don’t mean anything. How many times have you been in a room when someone was chatting and they typed “LOL” but barely cracked a smile? This constant exaggeration and misrepresentation is getting ridiculous. What’s wrong with writing, “haha”? That would be more accurate, but it would also portray how you actually feel, and you’re probably communicating with someone via the Internet so you can lie about that stuff.

But that’s nothing compared to the recent increase in usage of the words: nom, win, epic and fail (or any combination of them) in actual conversation. So, no, I don’t want to go to Taco Bell to get some noms; your new bong isn’t epic; the new iPhone isn’t “full of win” and stuff goes wrong or is poorly planned on a daily basis, there’s no need to announce it by shouting “FAIL” and putting up your hand for a high-five because you still think high fives are cool.


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3 thoughts on “Can We Get Rid of These Things?

  1. Pillow says:

    I AGREE!!! And I was LMAO before I typed this in. 🙂

  2. Ryan says:

    There is nothing wrong with High Fives asshole.

    Totes.

    Haha

  3. hannahjade27 says:

    I think I might have to direct half my friends to this.

    They are web shorthand fiends.

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