I attended a “white trash bash” with my brother this Independence Day weekend. I had a tough time finding something to wear to the shindig that was white trashy but also didn’t make me look like a complete jerk. In the end, I wore a red, white and blue western shirt (unbuttoned with no undershirt). However, my decision process led to a revelation.
At this hootenanny, I was supposed to be mocking a particular subculture (rednecks), but I, a guy probably leaning a little toward hipster, already own an article of clothing that allows me to pass freely among them. That’s when it hit me: the line between hipsters and rednecks is getting really blurry.
I know, I know. You don’t believe me. Well, let me prove it to you, hypothetical, skeptical Internet reader.
*A note to my hipster and redneck friends: this post is hyperbolic and sarcastic, don’t take it personally.
Nowadays, you’re just as likely to see a western shirt in the Williamsburg neighborhood of Brooklyn as you are at a rodeo in Texas. Why? I have no clue, but I suspect its roots are in some sort of misplaced sense of irony (remember that word).
Jean Shorts (Jorts)
I guess I should specify by saying cutoff jean shorts. There are plenty of fat teenage nerds stuffing their faces with Combos and retirees trying to use expired coupons rocking jorts.
Cutoff jean shorts are the original redneck bathing suit. Why pay for some high falutin swim trunks that will actually dry out a little when you get out of the water? I mean, I know I like my crotch to be soaked for as long as humanly possible.
Naturally, hipsters like them because they look stupid on just about everybody, just like mustaches and wolf t-shirts. I’m just amazed that a few baristas and Band of Horses fans tricked Gap into actually selling these abominations.
Too-Small T-Shirts from 1983
Hipsters love vintage clothes, including ironic (there’s that word again) t-shirts from eras past. They love the idea of vintage so much they’ll pay 10 times the amount the shirt originally cost at Wal-Mart in the 80s. Also, a hipster has never seen an extra-small t-shirt he/she didn’t like.
The difference here is rednecks actually bought the t-shirt at a Wal-Mart or a state fair in the 80s. They still wear them because Dio still totally rules…or something. Also, when your house is on wheels, it’s hard to call out someone for the beer gut sticking out of the bottom of his t-shirt.
Canned Domestic Beer
Rednecks drink Busch, Bud, Coors, etc… because ‘MURICA.
However, hipsters prefer PBR. It’s a beer previously known, along with Old Style and Old Milwaukee, as one of the top choices for older, Midwestern alcoholics.
Hipsters drink it even though a great deal of them come from upper-middle class and upper class families and could easily afford to drink Stella Artois every night.
For some reason, this country has fallen into a prolonged state of sarcasm and irony (I blame the Internet). So hipsters drink PBR because they think drinking the beer of people they perceive as lower class or less intelligent makes some sort of statement. Little do they realize that statement is, “Hey, look, I’m an A-hole.”
Bad Facial Hair
Whether it’s a handle bar mustache, an unkempt beard or Elvis sideburns, it seems like both rednecks and hipsters are out to prove just how stupid facial hair can look.
Annoying Eating Habits
It’s amazing that two groups with such different preferences in food can be equally annoying. It’s possible, though.
First, you have rednecks who consider KFC’s Kentucky Grilled Chicken a healthy meal and dinner at the Cracker Barrel a fancy night out. Also, they’ll probably call you a “fancy boy” if you order a side that doesn’t begin with “french” and end with “fries.” Excuse me, I meant a side that doesn’t begin with “freedom” and end with “fries.”
Then, you have hipsters who, proportionally, are more likely to be a vegetarian or vegan, which means they will condescendingly tell you the human stomach is not meant to digest meat. They’ll also passive aggressively scold you for not eating organic and/or local food. But just let them talk, eventually they’ll run out of energy due to protein deficiency.