In roughly a month, I’ll turn 25.
It seems like an opportune time to stop and assess my life thus far, and by “stop and assess my life thus far,” I mean freak the hell out.
Here’s a list of typical “What the hell am I doing with my life?” reactions and a few things I should actually start to work on.
Impractical reactions to turning 25
1. Get a Tattoo
I’ve actually wanted a tattoo for some time but have never gone through with it.
A quarter-life crisis seems like an appropriate time to get one. I’m young enough for it to be socially acceptable, thereby avoiding being the weird middle-aged square in the tattoo parlor.
The only question is, what to get? I’m thinking a tribal arm band made up of Chinese symbols. Those things are still cool, right guys?
2. Buy a Motorcycle
Honestly, I really want a motorcycle, and I’m certain this impulse is directly related to the amount of Sons of Anarchy I watch–too much.
However, there are two huge obstacles standing in my way. One, I don’t know how to ride a motorcycle. Two, I don’t really have the money for one.
So if any readers know a generous, wealthy motorcycle enthusiast who would like to solve an existential dilemma, get at me.
3. Change Your Entire Appearance/Style
I’ve actually written about this previously. Basically, I have done this. I stopped dressing like such schmo toward the end of college and started to work on my appearance.
But I think I went about it in an appropriate manner instead going all Jon Gosselin.
4. Quit Your Job and “Find Yourself”
I can’t see how this could possibly end well. Really, this is only a good idea if you live in a Julia Roberts movie. But most people live in the real world.
Guess where I live?
I’ll give you some hints: It doesn’t involve awful dialogue (well sometimes it does), heavy-handed character development or montages of women giggling while trying on clothes or doing some other pedestrian task that doesn’t warrant side-splitting laughter.
5. Date a Much Younger Woman
There’s a good chance I’m going to jail if I do this.
Constructive Reactions to Turning 25
1. Get a Better Car Insurance Rate
You know those car insurance commercials from the more established companies that malign “cut-rate car insurance” companies? Well, I’m definitely insured by one of those cut-rate companies.
For some arbitrary reason, car insurance rates get better once you hit a quarter century. I should definitely look into a more reasonable rate from a company that isn’t represented by a cartoon lizard.
2. Some Sort of Stock Portfolio
I really need to look into this. Right now my retirement plan is marry a doctor and let her worry about it. Alas, “Hey girl, you wanna be my Roth IRA?” isn’t an effective pickup line.
I don’t make a lot of money, and therefore don’t have a whole lot of discretionary funds to invest, but something is better than nothing.
3. Take Better Care of Yourself
Like taking more pride in my appearance, this is something I’ve also started to do.
I don’t eat McDonald’s several times week anymore, I drink water frequently, I go to the gym at least three times a week, sometimes five, and I actually cook a variety of nutritious meals.
It’s almost like I’m an adult.
4. Pay Attention to the World Around You
I’m a journalist by trade, so if I weren’t doing this, it would be pretty bad.
I read the paper every day and usually peruse the BBC’s website for a little bit every morning. I wish I could bring myself to watch more cable news, but it’s difficult when I know I could be watching Justified instead.
5. A Relationship
In nearly 25 years on this Earth, I’ve managed to go without a single girlfriend. As I type this, I’m wearing a Voltron t-shirt, so that could potentially be part of the problem.
I’ve been on dates and had experience with woman, but it has just never seemed to work out for reasons I won’t get into here.
But I think it’s starting to get to a point where my family is getting worried, and maybe I should take that as a sign. A sign to do what? I’m not exactly sure. I guess being more proactive would be a good start.
So in the spirit of that, ladies, please form a line to the left.