The fear of becoming your parents is a common TV and movie trope, but I think it’s inevitable that as the years pass you’ll become more like your parents.
There are many things I don’t even think about, much less care about, today. However, if my mom and dad are any indication, I will once I hit middle age.
This is one that’s already starting to creep up on me. My dad has always been concerned with the best route possible to any destination, and by best route I mean the one with the least amount of people.
I often heard, “It make take longer but…”
As a kid, I loved maps. So it’s no wonder that I also plan out the most efficient route and calculate the travel time in my head before I depart. I have a feeling it’s not too long before I start offering unsolicited travel advice.
4. The Weather
My dad watches the Weather Channel more than anyone I know, possibly more than anyone in the country. I don’t know what it is about dads and the weather but once you hit 40 as a male, you’re required to care about it.
You’re required to get upset if you miss the radar. You’re required to work it into every phone conversation with your children. You’re required to talk about at length with other adults your age. I’ve done the research; it’s not just my dad. It’s pretty much all of my friends’ dads.
One day, you wake up and instead of asking your college friends in far-flung states about hooking up and getting housed, you ask how much rain they got from the big storm.
3. Supermarket Ads
This is another thing to which my dad pays religious observance. Every Wednesday, my parents’ mailbox is stuffed with ads for Jewel, Joseph’s Marketplace and Dominick’s. And every Wednesday my parents scan them scrupulously to save $1.20 on pork–and may the lord have mercy on the person who loses that sweet, sweet deal sheet.
It’s funny. I certainly should be doing this considering I’m at the beginning of my career and not making a lot of money. But I don’t. If I’m being honest, I’m just lazy.
Typically, I solve this problem by buying groceries at Wal-Mart, which is almost guaranteed to have the lowest prices. I know, I know. I’m a horrible person for shopping at big bad Wal-Mart, but moral indignation isn’t my strong suit, so you hippies can suck it.
2. Holiday Decorations
I don’t have a Christmas tree, real or fake, in my apartment. Or even a Festivus pole. I don’t plan on getting one either.
This is blasphemy to my mom, who has decorations for every federal holiday and each season of the year. Really, I’m not a Grinch (or Scrooge or any other lame fictional charter you want to call me). I think the time and work involved are more than the reward of the decorations. It’s a cost-benefit analysis.
It’s all well and good if someone else (my mom) is doing 90 percent of the work, but if it’s just me, game over man. It might be worth it if I ever entertained at my apartment, but I don’t. It might also be worth it if I had a girlfriend, who frequently visited my apartment, but I never do.
So until one of those two things happen (ladies), my apartment will remain undecorated.
1. Getting to the Airport Several Hours in Advance of the Suggested Arrival Time
The Onion did an article about this earlier in the year, so I know other people have experienced this. My mom and dad like to leave a nice cushion before a flight by arriving to the airport about four to five hours early.
I prefer to get there an hour to an hour and a half before a flight, so I don’t have to sit in an airport bar downing $9 beers for several hours like a sad bastard. The only problem is I once missed a flight due to insane traffic caused by heavy construction. Now, my parents will never let me forget it and are very concerned about my travel itinerary.
I’m sure one day, due to increasingly heightened security, I’ll advise my son to arrive to the airport eight hours before his flight.