If you’ve never met me in person (most of you haven’t), there is one thing that is very apparent upon first meeting me besides my magnificent beard. I am very short–not like movie star short (5’8″) but like real-person short (5’5″).
I’ve been shorter than average almost my whole life, and I’ve learned a few things along the way.
7. People love to pick you up
I don’t know what it is about being shorter than someone, but tall people love to pick short people up. Especially if alcohol is involved. There’s an extra creep factor for particularly short girls, who I’m sure have been picked up by more sweaty weirdos than they care to remember.
However, much like your aunt’s fussy house cat, Mittens, we do not like being picked up. Just because something is physically convenient for you, doesn’t mean you should do it. If I did what was physically convenient for me, I would punch my friend Nick (who is 6’7″) in the crotch every time I saw him.
6. People love to pat you on the head
Usually, this goes hand-in-hand with being picked up. I can’t speak for the rest of the vertically challenged but this actually pisses me off more than being picked up.
Listen, just because I’m shorter than you doesn’t mean I’m a child. Stop patting me on the head like one. It might seem innocuous to you, but it’s pretty condescending.
5. If you’re a short guy you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t
I’m talking about the so-called “Napoleon Complex.” In my experience, it’s not really a thing.
See, when you’re my size, people generally assume you can’t handle yourself and are just kind of a wuss. If a situation occurs where you could intervene physically–but don’t–people will just think well of course he didn’t…look at him.
If you do step in, suddenly, it’s oh little man has to prove himself or look who’s mad because he’s short. The same goes anytime you get visibly angry.
No, it’s neither. Just stop acting like an asshole.
4. You can’t see anything at concerts
For most shows, you’re probably going to get a general admission ticket and stand in the crowd. That’s great if you’re tall; you’ll be able to see the whole show.
If you’re short, the only thing you’ll see are backs of heads and shoulders. The only way you’re seeing the band is if you’re front row center.
3. Clothes rarely fit right
I wear 30×30 or 31×30 pants depending on the brand. However, while they fit well in the waist, they’re always too long. I really need 30×28 or 30×29 pants, but brick-and-mortar stores rarely carry those sizes. Usually, you have to order those sizes online if they’re even available.
That’s what I don’t get. There are lots of short people. I’ve seen them. I’m friends with them. Is it really that much trouble to include a stack of 30×29 in each shipment? And will you idiots put the shorter sizes closer to the floor? Or would that make too much sense?
Also, I would be forever loyal to any brand that figures out how to make a t-shirt that is the right length AND that fits me across the chest.
2. Dating options are limited
I’ve come to terms with the fact that the phrase is “tall, dark and handsome for a reason.” Talking to my friends, I’ve found that several of them have height requirements. They absolutely have no interest in any guy below a certain height and look horrified if a short dude dare talk to them at a bar. I’ve gathered that it is also something mentioned frequently on Internet dating profiles.
But there are more practical problems involved. For example, no one is going to spot me across a crowded bar or coffee shop. In a situation like that, you probably have to be looking for me in the first place.
Even if you’re about the same height, there becomes the issue of high heels. Personally, I don’t care. If they go with the outfit, or whatever, do how you do. Everyone already knows that I’m short. You’re not revealing some charade to anyone, but I know some of my friends don’t like to feel as if they’re towering over their dates.
1. You are made to travel
Lest the whole list be negative, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention this. A lot of people complain about the cramped conditions when flying. Well, guess what? I have plenty room!